Apologize Quickly

A Homily for the Third Sunday in Ordinary Time

Year C

 

Ezra read plainly from the book of the law of God, interpreting it so that all could understand what was read.   Then Nehemiah, that is, His Excellency, and Ezra the priest-scribe and the Levites who were instructing the people said to all the people:  “Today is holy to the LORD your God.  Do not be sad, and do not weep”—for all the people were weeping as they heard the words of the law.  He said further: “Go, eat rich foods and drink sweet drinks, and allot portions to those who had nothing prepared; for today is holy to our LORD.  Do not be saddened this day, for rejoicing in the LORD must be your strength!”

–Nehemiah 8:8-10–

 

This is part of my story, and it’s a part that I regret—but maybe not.

April 28, 2009.  I lost my temper big time with one of my tenth-grade students, and seconds before the end of fifth period, I heard myself say, “I’d love to meet the woman who spawned you!”  I knew I was in trouble the moment the words escaped my lips.  But what could I do?  The bell had just rung.  The kids were gone.  I was in for it.

Alas!  I wasn’t able to get to my e-mail until ten o’clock that night.  Sure enough, there it was in my inbox—a message from the student’s mother:

 

Hi, Father E,

I hope all is well with you.  I have some concerns about what is happening with my daughter in your class.  She was told that you make derogatory comments about her when she is not in the class.  You have also made the statement that you would like to meet the woman that gave birth to her.  I find that highly offensive and hope that you did not really make such a comment….

Father E, I am asking you what type of problems you are having in class with my daughter.  Is she talking, not paying attention, not doing her class work or her homework?  Please let me know so that I can address this issue with her.

Thanking you in advance for your reply.

X.Y.

 

I sat back in my chair and considered.  I had a choice.  I could either defend my indefensible remark, and only make matters worse.  Or I could take the advice found in a book I had just finished.  In his classic work, How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale Carnegie says this:

 

When we’re right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking.  And when we’re wrong, and that will be surprisingly often if we’re honest with ourselves, let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm.  Not only will that technique produce astonishing results, but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun under the circumstances than trying to defend oneself.  Remember the old proverb, “By fighting, you never get enough, but by yielding, you get more than you expected.”[1]

 

Then I recalled what Dr. Randy Pausch said in The Last Lecture:

 

A good apology has three parts:  I’m sorry.  It was my fault.  How do I make it right?  Most people skip that third part.  That’s how you can tell sincerity.

 

So what did I do?  I decided I would apologize.  I would eat huge slabs of humble pie.  I still have the e-mails, so here are my exact words:

 

Dear X.Y.,

Greetings!

What a positive e-mail you have sent me in light of my shameful behavior today in class!  I clearly lost my temper, which is inexcusable for someone who is no longer a novice teacher.  I have been feeling badly about today ever since fifth period, and only now am I getting a chance to answer your e-mail (an e-mail for which I am very grateful).  I am truly sorry for being unprofessional.  What can I do to make things better?

I do want to make it clear that I like your daughter….  I think she is uncommonly intelligent.  That I know I told her.  I do not put it past myself to say things about her behind her back, but I honestly do not think I intended to be malicious. Stupid I can be, but hopefully not malicious!

I most likely did say that I would not mind meeting the mother who gave your daughter birth….

 

Hey, that wasn’t so hard!  Then, once I had apologized and my pulse slowed down to normal, a surprising thing happened.  I got a flash of insight as to why the young lady was bothering me in the first place.  The bracelets!  Of course!  The thought had never before occurred to me.  It was as if a light bulb went on in my mind.  I continued writing:

 

As for your daughter’s behavior, I have to admit she is far less chatty [than previously].  She does tend to move around a lot, and I think I notice this because I think she is wearing something on her arms (bracelets?) that makes noise when she moves.  I tend to zero in on sounds.  Also, your daughter could take her work more seriously.  There is extra credit she could gain….

All that having been said, I do admit I was in the wrong about losing my temper today.  I also admit I was imprudent in speech.  I make no excuses.  The good thing about being a teacher is that one is able to start over again each school day.

Thank you for your honest, prompt, and concerned e-mail.  I get the feeling you are as concerned for me as for your daughter!  I really would enjoy having lunch with you, or at least hearing the sound of your voice….

Thank you for your concern!  God bless you!

Fr. E

 

I hit SEND and resigned myself to the consequences.  Within the hour, I got this response:

 

Dear Fr. E,

I am profoundly grateful to receive a reply from you….  I understand the pressure of teaching a bunch of teenagers.  I know it can cause one to react in ways that are out of character.

I have spoken with my daughter, and she will be speaking to you tomorrow in a respectful manner.

Have a good night, and God’s blessing.

X.Y.

 

How do you like that?  And do you know what?  From that day on, the young lady never wore noisy bracelets again, and I was a lot less distracted in class.

If I had stubbornly stuck to my guns and tried to defend my inexcusable behavior, matters would only have gotten worse.  But by quickly admitting I was wrong, I was the one who gained.  By apologizing, I was able to move forward.

In our first reading, the priest Ezra reads the law to the whole assembly of Israel.  The people realize they have sinned.  What do they do?  Do they rationalize their behavior and staunchly try to defend themselves?  No!  They repent and weep bitterly.  And what is the result?  Are they browbeaten for their failure?  Not at all!  On the contrary, they are told to eat, drink, and rejoice.  By being willing to admit their faults, the people gain an unexpected benefit.  Thus they are able to move beyond their sin to the better life God intends for them.  They learn that rejoicing in the Lord must be their strength.

When you get right down to it, Dale Carnegie’s advice is as true of the spiritual life as it is of our everyday dealings with one another.  When we’re wrong, let’s admit it quickly and with enthusiasm.  The results will astound us.

[1] How to Win Friends and Influence People, Part 3, Chapter 3.